If I Have to Tell You Again...!

“If I Have to Tell You Again…!”

I have found HEB and Walmart to be the perfect venues for observing all the parental attitudes and practices that make me shudder and fear for the future of our nation.   Here are some examples of parenting styles and what I believe will be end result for the child I observed:

 “If I have to tell you one more time, I’m going to……….........(fill in the blank with any quasi-punishment you like… because it will never actually be given ): 

Result:  An adult who has no idea how to delay gratification; an adult who will take what he wants, when he wants it, no matter the cost or inconvenience to others, and who  will whine and complain until he gets it.  A perfect example can be found in the cast and crew of the Occupy Movement.  These unruly bullies didn’t just drop out of the sky…they were “raised” by someone, someone who threatened but never followed through and taught these children entitlement…to everything, even things that don’t belong to them.

“Just wait until your daddy gets home!”

Result:  A child who learns that his mother has absolutely no clout and who will pass off any responsibility for discipline to a father who has not witnessed the event and who is tired after a long day of work and doesn’t want to deal with it. Consequences should be swift, sure, and consistent.

And my favorite:  “Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh” repeated in one long wail, which follows me on every single aisle of the store, sometimes accompanied by swatting mom or telling her he hates her.  Someone please tell me why this child is not getting his sweet little rear end worn out in the bathroom so I can shop without having my eardrums violently assaulted and my brain scrambled! 

Result:  An adult who constantly whines and complains to anyone who will listen about how terribly life is treating him, until he gets what he wants, of course.

You get the idea.  Under-parenting leaves a child to himself, and creates a self-centered person who cannot control his own emotions and actions.  Children must be trained, and that takes a lot of attention and effort.  It is not an impossible task, and I can say this because I trained six children who were an average of two years apart in age.  Yes, it can be exhausting, and the rewards are not seen or appreciated for a very long time.  But the end result is an adult who has respect for others, is diligent, knows how to wait for good things, is generous and loving, has a moral compass, and who is capable of handling the difficulties of life. A wonderful side benefit is a peaceful home where screaming, demanding, and whining are not a part of everyday life.   Whimpy parents produce whimpy children who will expect others to meet their needs and to overlook their “issues.” As my mother once told me, “Be the strong-willed parent your strong-willed child needs.”

Children crave boundaries.  This is a true statement.  The first time I spanked an out-of-control child and witnessed the peace that resulted, I was awestruck.  This kid had really, really wanted me to stop him!  Who would have known?  Spanking suddenly took on a whole new meaning for me.  Now if you are of a non-spanking mindset, I don’t have issues with you. I’ve seen other approaches work, too.  I just guarantee you it will take you longer and use up much more of your precious time to train your child with time-outs and lots of talking and reasoning.  And you also have to address the fact that if you are a Bible-believing and -following Christian, you might have a hard time justifying not spanking, since there are many scriptures to support it. But spanking is a whole ‘nother subject and a can of worms that can be opened on another post.

For now, if you are a parent, especially a parent of young children, please just know that what you are doing or not doing right now to train your child is shaping a future adult.  Set limits, stand by them, be consistent, and don’t let a little pipsqueak of a kid wrestle the control from you.  They don’t really want it, you know. They want YOU to be in charge.  

Parenting out of Fear

The word "fear", used as a verb, has two very distinctly different definitions.  One definition is "to feel a painful apprehension or anxiety of some impending evil."  Another definition is "to reverence; to venerate." When we began our long journey of raising our six children over 30 years ago, I wish my husband and I  had realized that one can parent out of a place of anxious fear and anxiety, or we can parent out of  a deep desire to reverence and fear God's plans for our children and our family.  These are two very different motives for making parental decisions.  Our protectiveness arose out of a deep-seated fear that our children might make the same mistakes we made in our younger years, and have to reap the bitter results of those mistakes, as we did.

In my very early years of parenting, it seems I feared almost anything that could potentially harm my children, especially spiritually or emotionally.  My husband and I  read a well-intentioned, but over-the-top book called "Terror in the Toy Box," and as a result we became very protective, overly so, to the point where we saw potential evil in even inanimate toys, such as Power Rangers, Rainbow Brite, and Smurfs.  I would blush to share some of my stories with you, but suffice it to say that my adult children have shared a few laughs over our efforts to shield them from all harm.  Thankfully, they realize now that we were just trying too hard. 

As our children got older, the fear intensified, and it seemed there was potential danger everywhere, so our rules and parenting were pretty restrictive.  The interesting thing is that, try as we might, we were not able to keep all evil at bay.  Two of our children were exposed to pornography at a relative's home, for heaven's sake! And even though we rarely allowed them to spend the night away from home (who knows WHAT could happen?), on the one night we allowed our pre-teen boy to have an overnight at his best friends' home, his older brother made an unscheduled visit to the home and our son's friend found some rather interesting pictures in his luggage. So despite all our efforts, some evil still found its way to our children.

If we had it to do over again, with the incomparable benefit of hindsight, I believe we would have still been sheltering and pretty restrictive, but our motivation would have been different.  We were very young in our Christian faith, and we saw demons behind every bush.  Our fear for our children created anxiety and apprehension, in them and in us, and mixed up in it all was our feeling that our children must be perfect.  I believe now that it is much healthier to create a reverential fear of a holy God in our children,  to teach them from an early age that they must learn discernment and how to run from evil themselves, and to allow them to fail on their own, while we are still around to support them and help them work through their struggles. Purity and holiness come from within, and if we are running around removing all the bad influences from their lives FOR them, there's a real danger that they will enter adulthood unprepared to handle the sensuous, licentious nature of the world in which they must live. They may even learn a subtle message that sin might be something they just have to try, the ”forbidden” fruit that they’ve never been allowed exposure to.

I've heard of parents who occasionally watch a movie or listen to music with their children for the express purpose of talking through some of the things they are seeing and hearing that go against their family values and faith.  This seems wiser to me than allowing children, especially older ones, absolutely no exposure to such things, and then having them walk out the door of the family home into a world that is chock-full of it, without giving them the tools to discern and decide what they should and should not allow in. Because our God is a merciful and redeeming God, our children have grown into wonderful, spiritually and emotionally healthy adults, despite our failures.  He knew our hearts for our children, and He honored that. 

Agree or disagree with me, I hope this makes for some good discussion around the family table